house husband

Those who are blessed with the privilege to see my status updates on WhatsApp, or those who sometimes get the carbon copy on my Messenger stories, often ask me to share the recipes of the great meals I make. But how can I share the recipe of the meals when each meal is its own story? Although the pictures might not show it, each of my meals is a unique creation. This is because my cooking is inspired by the ancestors and so the choice of spices, the quantities of various ingredients, and even the cooking time just depends on what they inspire me to do on any given day. This always results in great variance in the taste of the food. The one whose heart I try to reach via the stomach is understandably not a fan of this, but the scientist in me is always excited by the uncertainty in how the food will turn out. Despite this variance, there are some constant factors that make my meals great. 

Every meal I cook is an expression of love. When I cook for my woman, the aim is to convince her to give me her number again. When I cook for my housemate, the aim is to share a piece of my life with him. When I cook for myself, the aim is to show my body how much I appreciate all that it does to carry the expanse of my consciousness. I wrote sometime back that food is joy. That is as true today as it was when I wrote that piece. Just recently I was blessed with the privileged to change the mind of an acquaintance of mine regarding goat meat. There is no greater joy than sharing my goat stew and helping someone rethink their stance on the matter. Indeed, there is no greater joy than sharing love because my cooking is love expressed through action. 

But what really makes my food great? Those who know me well know I love routine. Yes, the ancestors are very inconsistent with respect to the spices and the ingredients they inspire me to use. But my meals are very predictable. They always have a source of carbohydrates, a non-plant protein, and plenty of vegetables. As a young lad I was taught that carbohydrates are energy giving foods, so I have them in my diet to ensure I have the energy to live my best life. I was also taught that proteins build up our bodies, and also my ancestors taught me that there is no protein better than meat in as far as taste goes. Lastly, the veggies are because I was taught that my body's soldiers (masole a mmele in Setswana, immune system in English) need vitamins contained in the veggies to keep my body healthy. Because I am not one to count calories and the like, I am convinced if each of my meals contain a carbohydrate, some protein, and vegetables, then my body will get all the nutrition it needs. 

Who exactly are these ancestors I speak of? My genius is not that I am an original, but that I am not afraid to copy things that I resonate with from anyone and everyone. As such, the choice of what spices and veggies to use, and  in what quantities, is in fact the collective wisdom of all the people whose cooking preferences I have witnessed. From my family's resource constrained cooking to the culturally inspired styles of the various housemates I have had over the years. Even the way my departed grandmother used to love her meat, or my mother's salt preferences due to her hypertension, affect the choices I make in my cooking. Given all these influences in my cooking, I cannot really claim to make Tswana cuisine because my food is too western for Tswana cuisine, but too Tswana for American cuisine. 

In short, the great meal to me is one that expresses love, is nutritionally balanced without trying to be, and is a collection of all the culinary experiences one has had over their life. I make great meals all the time, even if they sometimes come out saltier than I would like or less crunchy than optimal. Thank you for allowing me to share with you a piece of my heart. 

Less than two months later and I am in a new apartment, again. I anticipate one more move in the next months, but hopefully that will be the last for a while. It takes a lot of spiritual energy to move between places. But I am finally done unpacking at the new place. I now live in Mountain View, at a very convenient location within a walk of supermarkets, restaurants, and lovely parks. I am excited about this new leaf I am turning. Home should be a sanctuary, a place of refuge, where one can put their hair down. With my 4th apartment, I now know that there is nothing I would not give to ensure I feel safe, comfortable, and secure, in all the places - physical and abstract - I call home.

As always, I begin my reflection in the kitchen. The new kitchen comes with plenty of countertop space. I also like the dark grey stone used on the countertops. It seems I have a preference for monochromatic countertops on the dark end of the spectrum. The "piney" cupboards complement the grey so well. It feels spacious and full of light. I am especially thrilled that the appliances are modern and digital - unlike at the previous spot. You have no idea how life changing a dishwasher that actually dries your dishes and an oven that you can peek in at your food without needing to open the door can be.  You might remember I complained about the fridge at the previous apartment, and so you would understand my ecstasy at having a fridge with climate-controlled drawers for my vegetables and fruits. I think I have an idea of the minimum requirements of my future kitchens. 

The living and dining area is about two-thirds of at the previous spot. Consequently, it feels a bit cramped. In fact, only 2 of the 4 chairs at the dining table can be used. The other two are under the table against the wall. But that should not be much of a problem as I think I am going to take a break from co-hosting sizable social gatherings. In this most recent move, I had to part ways with the large television and sound system. When I settle in at my next stop, which would be for an extended minute, I will be sure to buy a large television because my telenovelas and movies do not feel the same on a standard television. Am I Taurus or what? As I said, comfort is a nonnegotiable in all the places I call home. I have a feeling I am going to be parting with a lot of my current property when I make my next move. Some of them have served me for almost as long as I have been in the United States. My futon, especially, has begun to feel like a burden. 

I am conflicted on how I feel about my bathroom. On the one hand I am thrilled by all the space it has, but on the other hand I am sad that they did not use that additional space to make my bedroom just a tad bit bigger. But in any case, the shower head has a satisfactorily large circumference and the water pressure is acceptable. There is plenty of slots to keep my bath products. The bathtub is also spacious and able to fit two people comfortably. What more could I ask for? Well, maybe I would have preferred to have glass doors instead of a shower curtain. But there is a large mirror and a toilet paper holder, so I will not complain much. Because it is spacious, I have put my two sets of dumbbells in there for the two days in a year when I feel motivated to try and work out. The medicine cabinet is also quite modern, the best I have had so far. 

The bedroom is so small I thought I was going to suffocate. But I have been able to unpack and use my engineering mind to optimize the limited space. I miss having a hangout lounge in my room, but at least I have  a dedicated work corner where I will not need to use a zoom background because it provides enough privacy. I echo what I said in my last post, when I grow up my office will not be in the bedroom. I also have setup one of my televisions at the foot of my bed which makes it ideal for movies in bed. I am holding back from decorating the room because my housemate informed me that he might be moving out soon, in which case I will assume the master bedroom. The closet here is smaller than at all 3 of my previous apartments, and worst of all, it does not have sliding doors with floor-to-ceiling mirrors. Now I am unable to check myself out all day as I work. I guess that will minimize my vanity. 

I lament the circumstances that have inspired this move and abruptly closed a chapter of my life that held so much promise. But while my heart grieves, my soul knows that just as much as that chapter had its heights, there is plenty more heights to be reached in the chapters that will follow. May I not wish for the chapters of my life to never end, but instead do all I can to make each of them the best story that they can be. This next chapter is off to a great start. Except for my bedroom, the apartment is carpet-free. I hate carpeted apartments! Unlike at the previous apartment, I doubt I would be seeing rats outside in the evenings. But the best source of comfort comes from having an in-unit washer and dryer. That is going to be a nonnegotiable in my future apartments. It is important in this life to know and communicate one's nonnegotiables.

Isn't it a season for transitions in the boy's life? Well the househusband returns from a new location - I mean, it is the same Palo Alto and zip code, but a new apartment complex. My family calls me Johnnie Walker, for if I am not setting off in a jet to a new place - at least before the pandemic - I am changing apartments. I am a seem to be a man eternally on the move. (I wonder if I am constantly on the run from something or towards some idealized version of a home, but that is not a subject for this blog.) I offer my reflections on my initial impressions of the new place. 

One of the things I recently learned was that as a triple Taurus (Taurus Sun, Taurus Moon, and Taurus Rising), the planets have predestined for me to particularly enjoy material comforts. I was shocked by how accurately the horoscopes seemed to describe my personality and preferences. With my academic department not requiring us to show up in person through at least August 2021, I considered moving to Oakland. But I did not follow through because the apartments I kept seeing within my price range had tiny bedrooms, lacked mirrored-sliding closet doors, and did not have access to a swimming pool. That is how I came to stay within Palo Alto. Question is, is the new spot comfortable enough for my liking? 

I will start with my favorite place in any house I live in: the kitchen. I love a kitchen with plenty of countertop space. The new house does not disappoint in that regard. The u-shape of the kitchen area maximizes the counter space. At the previous spot, I always felt cramped when preparing meals because of the limited countertop space. At first, I did not like the design (or color) of the stone used on these countertops. I wanted for them to be darker or something, but I have grown to love them a lot over the past few days. There are enough cupboards to contain the food and utensils. I think the drawers are smaller than I would like, but we cannot have everything. My biggest beef with this kitchen is its appliances. They are old! Even their dishwasher feels like it is from another lifetime. What kind of fridge in 2020 lacks glass shelves? What stove does not have a clock? How am I supposed to know how much time is left until dinner is due? I might install a clock somewhere in the kitchen. 

The living space is a lovely rectangular shape that features both the dining area and the sitting area. At the previous apartment the dining area was an extension of the kitchen and the sitting area was a squarish area by itself. I prefer the new layout. Mostly because it is very customizable. My housemate and I invested in a decent television and sound system, so the living room is a great place to watch movies. The bookshelves and a plant I inherited from one of my favorite humans gives the living area some intellectual feel. I am definitely going to have a library in my long-term house when I eventually settle. The one thing I do not like about the living area is that it is carpeted. My previous place had a carpet-free floor and that was the move. There is beauty in sweeping an actual floor and mopping. I also could tell if the floor was dirty and needed cleaning. Spilt drinks were not a cause for concern, because I just mopped it away. But on a carpet...

Similar to the last house, my housemate and I have separate bathrooms. I am very territorial and love having my own bathroom. Hopefully eventually when I marry and settle, my wife and I can have a master bedroom with two bathrooms. I miss my previous shower head and will probably do something about this new one. An optimal shower head, for me, has a larger circumference and the water flows out at a lower pressure. I want to shower under a drizzle, not a tropical rainstorm! I also miss having plenty of space to place my numerous bath products when I shower, instead of the old tiled wall with just an obsolete soap holder. What is this? 1998? At least the shower has a glass door. I prefer the glass door to the curtain I previous had because it was a pain to clean. I also love the fact that this new house has a toilet paper holder. It is the little things that make a difference, I tell you. 

Finally, my sanctuary, my bedroom. In terms of space, it is slightly smaller than my previous one. But it works because I have downgraded from a king (well, 2 twin XL beds joined together like they do in hotels) to a queen-sized bed. I also have a little hangout lounge at a corner, which I made using the twin XL bed that came with the house. It reminds me of the reading corner we had in primary school. My room is still confused in terms of its theme: the lounge area has a purple theme going, but the bed has a cream white and navy blue flavor. I am sure I will figure it out soon. But I think purple and cream-white might just be the move. I am thinking cream-white with purple accents, we will see. As I write this, the bouquet of flowers my beloved friend had sent me is dying a slow death by my bedside. It has inspired me to consider buying a plant for my room. I am excited to go plant shopping with one of my friends soon. Lastly, I have a small desk now and so my work area is a lot tidier as I cannot afford to keep stuff on the desk. When I grow up my office will not be in my bedroom. 

Overall, I was a bit sad to leave my old apartment. But I am growing to love this new one as well. I cannot wait for the wildfires to pass and the pandemic to subside so I can use the much larger swimming pool at my new apartment complex. I hear this one is heated, so it will remain viable through the cold months. I was hoping for an in-unit dryer and washer but at this point in my life, I am price-sensitive. But the laundry facilities here are not bad. In fact I love the fact that I do not need coins anymore to use them and I can check the status of my laundry from my phone. I am excited to make this my home over the next year! So yes, the new spot is comfortable enough for my liking. 

Biting into the grilled chicken, I was hit by an explosion of flavors. As I chewed, my heart welled up with emotion. The same way it did the first time I truly heard Ivan Torrent's Skyborn. In that moment I felt blessed to be alive. It was a palpable joy. If I could touch it, I bet it would feel like the sand dunes of the Kgalagadi in the mid morning. If I could see it, it would look like the bouquet of flowers we had bought for our friend - for whom the delicious grilled chicken was celebrating. If I could smell it - in fact I did - it would have the aroma of  the Robertsons spices that had cooked it. This was last week Friday, and we were celebrating one of our friends' graduation. Food is joy! Whether a graduation dinner or a Thanksgiving feast with the fam, food has the power to build and sustain community. It is the currency of love and care. It has healing powers. That joy from Friday has inspired me to reflect on the ways food brings joy into my life. 

Food has the power to build and sustain community. In the busy Stanford life, it is sometimes hard to find time to spend with loved ones. But everyone must eat. During the 4 years of my undergraduate career, my meal times doubled as my socialization times. I love routine, and I got joy from breaking bread with my friends on a weekly basis: Monday breakfasts with CY, Thursday dinners with LS, and weekend brunches with ND. My weekday lunches with MC have even continued into our graduate career. Being the slow eater that I am, I always feel loved and cared for each time my friends wait patiently for me to finish eating my food. The last two thanksgivings, we hosted some friends over for dinners inspired by Botswana cuisine. Seeing loved ones from different parts of my life congregated at the dinner table always feels so sacred. 

It is the currency of love and care. Some months back I was ill and my two friends - KG and JC - came to see that I was well fed. One brought me the groceries that I needed, and the other fixed me a meal. Nothing says I am loved more than someone taking their time to cook food so I have something to eat. Especially, when I am incapacitated by illness or work. One other way that food facilitates love is through the exchange of photos, recipes, and experiences. It is an act of love that I share photos of my food with all of you on this blog. It is me sharing my joy with you. But more personal than a public blog, I am especially grateful that AL and I frequently trade photos of our adventures in the kitchen. Each time she calls me a chef and ask me to describe each day's meal, I feel seen. What is the point of companionship - in all kinds of relationships - if not for your journey on this earth to be witnessed? When my boy EMM shared of his new relationship with goat food - aka salad - it inspired me to incorporate salads into my diet. Even when he and I cannot agree on the right way to cut a tomato, I still feel loved and cared for. That he would show me his approach, is itself an act of love. 

There is some healing power in making food. The past few weeks have been especially tough, as we navigate a deadly pandemic and racist violence. During this time, I have often found solace in cooking. It has been my anchor. The mental energy used to figure out something to cook that we have not had in the past few days, is a welcome distraction. Beyond the current moment in time, cooking sets my spirit on fire. There is a joy to applying the collective wisdom of my family, the recipes on the internet, and my intuition. Yes, sometimes I make bland food. But learning from that experience always reminds my soul that failure is the building block of delicious food; the building block of excellence. Cooking and the associated clean up are meditative activities that afford me the privilege to unwind. To feel at peace in the world; not worried about projects, the injustice of our world, and the issues troubling my loved ones. It is a therapeutic escape. 

So as I swallowed that delicious chicken, I knew without an ounce of doubt that food is joy! To all my friends out there, I cannot wait to share another meal with you, and therefore my love and joy.

Did I tell you about the intervention my sisters  held for me about a year ago? I was home for Christmas. They expressed concern that I had not introduced any suitable woman to them. They asked if I was afraid of women, or perhaps, if I was gay. It was good to know that if I were gay, they would have accepted me. Thinking about it, I now wonder why they could not extend the same generosity to my unusual -at least for my family - approach to dating and procreation. They feel I should find someone soon so I can produce an heir to my nonexistent estate. I disagree with the baby making agenda since I am a baby myself, but of late I have realized a deep desire for a romantic companionship. It is hard when you are romantically awkward like myself, and my prerequisites for dating me do not make it any easier. That is why I am unable to find romantic companions online via the modern platforms. But it does not mean I do not try them every now and then. Perhaps inspired by my sisters' intervention or good old loneliness or even boredom, I connected with a lovely woman on one of the platforms recently. I was able to convince her to go see a play at a theater, where most of the patrons are senior citizens. We saw a well-done rendition of Pride and Prejudice. But my favorite of our hangouts, was making her a lovely Botswana dinner. 

A great dinner starts with the selection of the meat. My guest had indicated an interest in trying African cuisine. In this area, that often means West African food or Ethiopian food. I was going to make her a typical meal I would eat at home: pap, morogo, le nama. But first I had to pick the meat. I chose goat. I get all my meat from a Halal store two cities from where I live. I washed the meat, to remove any blood residues and for my own peace of mind. We wash our meat where I come from, even though we are going to cook it thoroughly at sufficiently high enough temperatures. Then I boiled it with salt and Knorrox Chilli Beef stock. My kitchen is full of spices from home, because a meal is incomplete without quality spices. Entire countries were colonized for spices, so I hope you can understand why I risk the future wellbeing of my grandkids by taking 6 flights on a roundtrip journey to restock in Botswana twice a year. Yet, I had to hold back from using them. Goat meat is very flavorful by itself, and rarely requires any spices. I started cooking about 2 hours before the dinner time since that is how long I like to cook my goat meat at B+ heat. 

To make the morogo, what the people here might call greens, I started by slicing the spinach into coleslaw-thin slices. I have never understood greens in the US, they are usually chunky and unpleasant to look at. It is as though they chop their veggies with an axe. Thankfully, my dear friend KG bought me a nice knife set. After slicing the spinach, I chopped purple onion, my colorful assortment of bell peppers, carrots, some thai peppers, and serrano peppers. Before using each vegetable, it was thoroughly washed. After chopping them, I soaked them in water for a few minutes. Then I added a bit of olive oil to the pot I was using - also a lovely gift from KG. Then I took the chopped veggies out of the water and put them into the pot before the oil heated up. The idea is to cook the veggies with the bit of oil and the tiny drops of water that remain after being soaked for a short while. I added iodized salt - because I read somewhere that Iodine matters - and mother-in-law spice to begin with. As the moisture heated up, I cut up a tomato because morogo needs some tomato sweetness. Then I added the tomato when it began to boil. I also added Robertsons' Rajah Mild Curry Power. There is nothing as sweet as the smell of food from home cooking on the stove.

My readers from overseas, specifically overseas in Botswana, might be surprised to see me make pap. For years I was sad that I could not find maize meal here. I know those who do not know, often refer me to corn flour. The tragedy! Thankfully some months ago, one of my former romantic friends told me I could buy maize meal on Amazon. It is a South African brand - the third best, but beggars are not choosers. Amazon knows we are not choosers and they charge $13 per kilogram. With $13, I can buy 37.5 kg of the best maize meal back home. That is 3 bags of 12.5kg each. But I guess it is worth it. Maize meal, despite its hefty price tag, is meant to be plain. It is there to enhance the flavors of the food it accompanies. So it is prepared in a very simple manner. First I boiled the water, added a bit of salt and then I added some powder and stirred it into a soft porridge. I covered the pot and let it simmer for a minute or two. In part because it is very dangerous when it shoots tiny pockets of hot maize meal lava in the air at the beginning of the mixing of the flour with the boiling water. Then I added more flour to thicken the pap. Then I lowered the heat and let it cook slowly. 

She was kind enough to bring a fancy bottle of wine. It was not cheap by any means, a perfect companion for the meal. After all a meal cooked with a priceless maize meal and spices that I had to fly over 3 oceans and 3 continents to find, cannot be paired with cheap wine. The meal was great - and I rarely think my food is great. She was also impressed, although she looked like the food was too spicy for her - and she is someone who self describes as one with a high spice tolerance. I was able to break out of my caveman shell and have a date, organized with modern technology. Not only that, I was able to share my culture with someone who was curious. But even then, I could not convince myself to ask her to potentially mother my heir in times to come. She is an amazing woman, but I left my heart in Michigan. My recent visit to Detroit made me realize that with all my dating experience, I am best when dating within my own people. I am all about cultural exchange, but for me personally, I realize I am too traditional to be with someone who does not understand the cultural roots that anchor me. Here is to the hope of finding that companionship. 

In all, the salad went really well with the boiled potatoes and carrot served with boiled beef.  I got to give my aging ingredients a new purpose in the after life and gifted myself with the joy of good food. I suspect I am going to continue experimenting with adding salads to my diet. But most of them are going to be cooked salads because I am not a goat. I do not eat raw leaves. So, as you can see, I will be a successful house husband and soccer dad. What is cooking in your kitchen? What accidental mixing of ingredients has turned well? Please share with me at my email: ramarea@live.com. 

About two months ago, I embarked on this journey. Now I can say being a house husband is not as glamorous as it seems. Nobody tells you that milk will go bad, or that not all trash bags will fit in your trash can, and that if you leave dishes at the sink they will still be waiting for you when you return exhausted from work in the evening. But is it really not glamorous? On second thought, I think being a house husband is heaven for someone with a degree in Management Science and Engineering. The problem of food going bad is an opportunity to optimize my inventory management. Trash bags not fitting into the trash can demonstrates that I need better requirements mapping, and the unwashed dishes at the end of the day means I need to design a new Process Flow for my work in the kitchen. Who knew all the mathematical models I learned at the Stanford School of Engineering would someday come in handy in the kitchen?

Every week I jot down a list of groceries that I need to buy in my planner. To restock, I either stop by Trader Joe's on my way from school on a weekday or take the bus down to the San Antonio shopping center so I can buy from Safeway. In my opinion, Trader Joe's is good for fruits and vegetables, and Safeway is good for meats and juices. For items such as these, I do not have a problem managing the inventory. I usually buy enough meat, fruits, and vegetables to last a week. The problem comes with grocery items that last beyond a week. With these, there are two kinds of problems. The first is with items like milk and bread, that are  sold in larger quantities than I would like and I therefore am unable to finish before their pot life expire. I am left wondering whether to eliminate those from my diet entirely, or continue to waste them every cycle. I cannot eliminate them from my diet because I need bread and milk, but I also cannot keep throwing them away because I am trying to minimize my negative impact on the environment. So this is a problem I must find a solution to and soon. Why do Americans not produce things in smaller sizes? The second kind of problem is with non-perishable household items that take a long time to replace, such as air freshener and disinfectant cleaner. They always run out at inconvenient times. This one is an easy problem, I can make sure I always have backup inventory of the essential non-perishable household items. The cost to hold that extra inventory is negligible, I assume. 

Running a household, even of one as in my case, is a full time job. You have to make sure that there are essential resources such as toilet paper, trash bags, and pot scourers. It is a full time job not because you have to do the inventory management of these items, but because you have to do requirements mapping of these items. You have to decide whether single ply or 2 ply toilet paper serves your needs better; figure out if the trash bags are the right size for your trash can; and get the soft pot scourers that are perfect substitutes for steel wool because you do not want to expose yourself to the long term health effects of steel wool. The saddest challenge I have faced in this field was discovering that the laundry machines at my apartment did not have a receptacle for fabric softener. So I now have to adjust to this by using laundry detergent that has fabric softener inside. It is not the same thing, but what can I do? One has to adjust to changing contexts. 

Lastly, I am still disappointed that I have not found an optimal process flow for my adventures in the kitchen. The biggest failure is I always fail to do the dishes before I leave for school. Which means I almost always do them in the evenings right before I cook. For now this system works because I am still by myself, but even then it is suboptimal because I spend a good chunk of my day feeling bad about the dirty dishes I left in the sink. One approach would be to do the dishes for the day before I head to bed. But I always wait for the dishes from the morning so I can apply the demand-pulling technique to minimize the amount of water I use to wash dishes. The problem is the morning has problems of its own and there is usually not enough time to do the dishes. The debate now is which of my values matter more: is it minimizing my negative impact on the environment by using demand-pulling and washing the dishes once a day OR is it maintaining a clean house by washing dishes after every meal? These are some of life's big questions. For the next iteration of attempting to solve this, I am going to continue demand-pulling the dishes but washing them in the evening after dinner instead of in the morning. The dirty dishes from breakfast would not harm my cleanliness objective significantly. 

I am excited to see how the rest of this journey unfolds. I am especially excited to apply some of my Engineering training to the very important problems of house keeping. With all the breakthroughs in Cloud Computing and the increasing feasibility of Internet-of-things technologies, now is an especially great time to be a house husband and a house wife. Maybe these frustrations will result in me creating a technology powered household inventory management system to help fellow house husbands and house wives run their homes more effectively and efficiently. That way we can spend more time being soccer moms and soccer dads, or getting haircuts and massages.