My Perfect Wife

The transition from fast to slow - as my friend BP describes life under quarantine - has given me a lot of time to think about a lot of things. One of them is the subject of marriage. Which should not come as a surprise given my cultural background, the fact that I can almost smell 30, and the constant inquiries into my marital status. My last reflection on what I want in romantic interactions was retrospective. But as a Mongwaketse man in my mid twenties, I ought to think about what I want in these matters prospectively. Of course this post builds on the insights from the last one, but I write it thinking forward and based on the direction I hope to take my life over the next decade. I have a feeling I am going to get in trouble for publishing this post, but I guess the man I aspire to be is one who does not fear his truth. The choice of photograph accompanying this post should be interpreted purely as a stylistic choice for my blog and nothing more. I went through numerous photos of my friends who might not mind me using their pictures for such a post, but I decided to go with this because it is a perfect metaphor for my view of marriage. My view on marriage is perfectly captured by Kahlil Gibran's poem, On Marriage. So without further ado, what qualities would I find in a woman I would not think twice before marrying?

She must be an African woman. I use the term African woman to mean someone with immediate African ancestry - meaning one or both of their parents must be African by birth -and who has spent at least two of their formative years in a country in Africa. I consider the range between 12 and 18 years old to be formative. I realize now that even the term African is too broad considering that I am referring primarily to Sub-Saharan Africa. The African ancestry and culture is to minimize the inevitable cultural conflict. (Of course Africa has a rich diversity of cultures that it would be foolish to hope for cultural compatibility, which is why I hope for cultural empathy instead). The residency requirement is to ideally eliminate friction caused by my planned future investment of personal resources - primarily time and money - on various work on the continent. A woman who has lived in Africa - I imagine - can understand why I would commit to contributing towards Africa's ongoing growth and path towards economic sustainability. 

I also want a beautiful woman because I am not trying to have ugly babies. I want to be the ugliest member of my family. A special friend of mine reminded me recently that beauty is subjective. While I agree with her, there are some objective parts to it. (The next comments are not intended to objectify women but merely to state my preferences for beauty. Any harm from such an interpretation is deeply regretted). My beautiful woman should be within 0.1 m (10 cm) of my height in either direction, have visible ears, a nose that is at least as well-shaped as mine, a smile I find cute (with near-even teeth), feet that are nowhere as bad as the feet in my family (feet that can wear sandals with a smile), a chest in the BC range, and a proportionally matching figure. (In Botswana terms, the figure should be "from North of Dibete"). Of course these are not items on a checklist and I can think of examples of women I find attractive who do not fulfill all of these idealized beauty standards. It would be interesting to reflect at another time on where I get these standards from. 

My perfect wife should have something going for her in life. As the eligible bachelor from Kanye that I am, I have received a few marriage proposals and the value proposition is often that the women are "subservient" and would "support my dreams". If I made decisions based on my ego alone, I would marry them on the spot. However, the idea of a subservient wife whose main hustle is to support my dreams does not sit well with me. I am not comfortable with the possibility that when I die, someone will have to "restart" their life over. I have seen my mother's life as my father's widow, and I could never rest in peace knowing I brought that onto someone's daughter. I am not looking for a housewife. (There is nothing wrong with housewives, but they are not for me). It is necessary for my wife to have a career of her own. She needs not be financially independent, but she must pursue work that she finds meaningful. Although, of course, our combined financial position should be sustainable. 

She must share the sentiments of Kahlil Gibran's poem: that we ought to cultivate and nourish our individuality within our togetherness. She needs to have a life of her own outside of the relationship; have individual interests and friends. Of course we will have shared interests and friends, but it matters to me that we preserve our individuality. Having previously considered converting to both Christianity and Islam in the name of love, I realize one of my vices is codependency. Therefore, I do not desire to be with a woman who would enable the kind of environment that will feed that trait. The other reason I want someone who is open to this together but apart view of marriage is because I do not want to compromise on the setup of my bedroom. Therefore, my wife and I should maintain separate bedrooms. We will take turns visiting one another, but we would both have the liberty and privilege to maintain our bedrooms as we please. If not for the environmental impact, I would even propose separate houses. Think of how cool it would be to ask your wife, "My place or yours?"

Even cooler would be a relationship full of banter and wit. I want a woman with sufficient breadth of knowledge and command of the spoken word that our conversations would never feel long enough. Someone who is well read, from whom I can always learn. An individual who keeps up with current affairs, such that debates on the issue of the day are not uncommon at the breakfast table. I know I said I want a beautiful woman because I do not want ugly babies, but that would not be the worst thing in the world. The worst would be my mother's children lacking the ability to help our children with their homework. She does not need to be an expert at everything, but she needs to be able to understand our kids' homework material enough to explain it to them. Imagine the horror of my wife unable to explain the mechanics of the Pythagoras' Theorem or how seasons work to our child! 

All these are simple requirements. One might wonder, therefore, why I am still unmarried. After all, I personally know many women who easily meet all of these requirements. The reason is there is a sixth requirement: I must meet all of my perfect wife's requirements for her perfect husband. If she has to be so perfect for me, then why should she have to settle for a man with uncombed hair when she prefers a man with combed and tidy hair? If she wants a man who can teach her kids to azonto and vosho, why must she be stuck with me who cannot dance to save my life? Maybe she is like women on the internet, she wants a man over 6 feet tall and I am a humble 5'8. I know some people are eyeing me for marriage, but before they ask if they meet my criteria, they ought to ask if I meet theirs. One cannot and should not say I meet their criteria if they have not developed it out. It would be fun when I eventually get married, to revisit this post and see by how much theoretical ideas and reality differ.