My Friendship Philosophy

I choose to accompany this page with this photo. It was taken sometime in June 2019 on our way to some graduation festivities. In that moment, I was happy. Surrounded by 3 of my best friends. I have a number of best friends. Although when I use the title best friend in the every day, I am referring to Urmi. To me, a best friend is an individual who has demonstrated over time that they are committed to helping me advance my spiritual fulfillment. It is an individual who has invited me along their own journey of life. These are friendships that are characterized by reciprocity, security, and love. Best friends are what I think of as my Tier 1 friends, in my controversial Tiered Friendship System. My Tier 2 friendships, where the majority of my friends are, are characterized by reciprocity and love. Last but not least, the Tier 3 friendships (also known as acquaintances), is characterized by reciprocity. Although these are discrete categories, all of my friendships can be mapped onto a continuous spectrum between these 3. With this in mind, it is important to note that over time anyone can move up or down the tiered system, although it is really hard to move down. My motivation for this post is to explain my philosophy towards friendship, following complaints from different people about my level of engagement with them.

To understand why I have this friendship system, you have to understand the context of where I grew up and my personality. I come from a village where I was celebrated for my good manners, my smart brains, and kindness towards everyone. My good manners and kindness are all a direct result of my mother's influence. For this reason, I have always attracted people wherever I went. Those who know me will also know that I am a curious person. The kindness I extend to others and the curiosity I have about them and their lives, has always proven to be a recipe for building a foundation for friendship. A consequence of this, is I have ended up with a lot of friends. In fact, I even claim - and you can verify from anyone from Kanye - to have reached celebrity status in my hometown. The irony of it is I am an introverted individual. Extroverted introvert, but introvert nonetheless. The privilege to travel and live in many places within my native Botswana and the world at large, has compounded my friendships. Having an ever growing number of friendships with interesting people - and all of my friends are really cool people - comes with the challenge of ensuring quality of the friendships. The Tiered Friendship System stems from the desire to maintain all my ever growing number of friendships while also cultivating a smaller subset I can count on at any time and all the time. Starting with Tier 3, I will explain all of the different tiers and what they are all about. 

Acquaintances are valuable. They are those friendly strangers with whom you can exchange favors and useful information. A key characteristic of these types of friendships is reciprocity. Tier 3 friends are those people you meet at conferences and share abstracts about what you are working on and interested in. They are those classmates you have taken the same classes with and have occasionally helped each other with assignments and projects. They are the people you have sat next to on flights and talked with to pass time. Essentially, you know a bullet list of their interests and lives that when you come across a scholarship opportunity or business incubation opportunity you think aligns with their interests, you will forward it to them. They are the people whose fundraisers you will donate $50 to aid them provide hearing aids to hearing impaired children in Central America or donate $10 to their favorite non-profit responding to the earthquake in Nepal. You do all this with the hope that if the roles were reversed, they would do the same. I am grateful to my Tier 3 friends, for all the ways they continue to enrich my life. In 2014 when my best friend Batho Madigele passed away, MHSRIP, the power of Tier 3 friends was shown to me when I raised $3,000 in 5 hours to buy a last minute flight to go and attend his funeral. It is for this reason that I take my responsibilities towards my Tier 3 friends seriously. 

The next level up, we have Tier 2 friends, where a large majority of my friends friends are. The distinguishing characteristic is there is love added. Love is a complicated phenomena, but if I must define it simply it is an intentional commitment to the growth of one and another. So in addition to forwarding relevant opportunities to someone, I am also more likely to follow through and support, to the extent possible, their applications towards those opportunities. These are the people I am more likely to check in about once a year or two, to see how their journeys of life are unfolding. If there are any goals they have shared with me, to see how far along they are towards those. They are people who I will send my application essays to for feedback. The people who I would lend money to, if my finances permitted and it advanced their goals and objectives. 

Tier 1 friends are Tier 2 friends plus the added element of security. By security I mean they have proven to be dependable. They show up when I need them, they respect the confidentiality of the details I share with them, and they do not judge me (too much). These are the people with whom I can be a rough draft of myself. The ones who are in my life for the long run. The people I would probably consider donating one of my kidneys for. (The weaker one, but still a kidney). Unlike love and reciprocity, security is not something within my control. It is a function of the dynamic between me and the friend. It is an earned privilege that the both of us have to actively work for. With this in mind, it is important to explain that I do not unilaterally promote or demote people between Tier 2 and Tier 1. They come in and out based primarily on our efforts. The movement between Tiers 2 and 3 is very much unilateral. 

Having explained the tiered system, to me friendship has little to do with how often we keep in touch.Rather it is based on the degrees to which reciprocity, security, and love are found in our relationship. I understand that being one of my friends can sometimes feel like you are in a competition with many others. Perhaps from seeing social media posts or photos of time I spend with others. But be reminded each of my friendships exists for a reason and is valued equally. The depth, and frequency of friendship interactions is a function of friendship tier, our respective schedules, our leisure preferences, and geographical location. However, a reduction or an increase in friendship interaction is not an indicator of a change in one's tier. I want to expand a bit on the respective schedules bit because it is what most people often find weird. I am a very busy person who likes using planners to keep track of his limited time. As such it is not uncommon for me to ask my friends to make appointments (in advance) to hang out, grab a meal, or jump on a call. Of course, to the extent that it is feasible, I always make time when and if emergencies arise. My assumption is also that this scheduling also helps my friends too, since I imagine them to be busy individuals too. 

That is my friendship philosophy in a nutshell. So, shall we be friends?