Musings On Redemption 

A few years ago I was taking photos with a friend of mine, who is a woman. As we posed next to each other for the photo, with another friend behind the camera, I had mindlessly placed my hand on her hip. She had taken it off and asserted a boundary that my hand was not to be there. As my intention had not been anything untoward, I was overcome with remorse and apologized for the impact of this action. I was also grateful for this feedback because it highlighted the ways in which I had not considered how my micro actions might not be benign. 

I contrast this with another incident some months ago in which I was asked to mediate, as one of the leaders in a community I’m a part of. A friend of a friend (a man) had violated the boundary of another person (a woman) in a substantially worse way than a hand on a hip—although we should neither compare pain nor discount some violence as small since it all violates the sanctity of another person’s boundaries. When she called him out about it, he denied it. 

Since I was not present when the alleged violation took place, it was her word against his—at least at the time. If the “Me Too” movement has taught me anything, it is “when in doubt, believe the woman or complainant”. Upon further investigation, someone was able to independently corroborate the woman’s claims. Needless to say, this man was excommunicated from the community. However, there were his buddies who defended him at the time and have petitioned for his pardon thereafter. Even when the same people have revealed that was not the person’s first incident of that nature. 

Now redemption is sweet as I’ve experienced before myself as shown above. But it has to come with repentance and self accountability. There is a saying that “birds of a feather…” In the aftermath of this, I’ve had to distance myself from any environment where such behavior is condoned. As I aspire to build communities that thrive on an ethic of love, it would be inconsistent to also entertain such values. It is not so much about the original violence itself since we’ve all been traumatized by this patriarchal system, but about the accountability and behavior change following a transgression. 

It is sad that this is not the first time I’ve had to distance myself from some male friends or relatives because of their patriarchal violence. This week as I was thinking about my future children, I realized I did not want them growing up in a world filled with men who are not self aware and do not take accountability for upholding and perpetuating patriarchal violence. I can keep on distancing myself from anyone who actively chooses violence over love and I will. 

But I also wonder how we can inspire everyone—but men especially—to interrogate the ways in which their active defense of patriarchy perpetuates and sustains cycles of violence—especially against my daughters. As men, are we redeemable? What would it take us to hold one another accountable and to be better? Can we develop a sense of self awareness and accountability to be and do better—to choose our capacity for love over our capacity for violence?

Maybe the next time your friend makes violent remarks against women, call them to the side and say, “We are better than this.” Or the next time another friend excuses something with, “We guys will always be guys, it’s what we do,” say, “No, it’s what you do and it’s not okay!” Even better, instead of reactionary interventions, how about we proactively engage in healing conversations with one another as men. Discuss these issues over a cold one and learn together how we can help build a violent free world. Men need therapy too and it doesn’t have to be in a therapist’s office—it can be in community with one another, as therapy was meant to be. Of course this not the whole solution—just a starting point for men who are ready to be better.